Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
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A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”
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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, “Hey, I’ve got an idea – we put our money together and buy a hot dog.”
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, “What the hell? I don’t want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!”
The first says, “I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you’re sucking my dick – and the bartender will throw us out and we won’t have to pay for anything!”
The second drunk says, “Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me.”
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, “We’ve got to switch places ‘cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor.”
The first drunk says, “You think that’s bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!”